Angebel’s corner.

Thanks to Jason, I was introduced to Charles Bukowski. I have fallen in love with the way his work has awaken my writing senses. He’s a mad man. I want to be a mad woman. I never want to hold back ever again when I write.

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead”

On Tuesday my husband talked about the things we do to recharge. He also tapped into some of the things I deal with mentally (anxiety and depression). I also deal with PTSD.

Mental health was a taboo topic growing up. It was forbidden to talk about depression because it led to be being accused that you weren’t a believer. As I got older and told people about some of things that happened to me, they always asked if I went to counseling. “No” was always my response. I’ve seen a mixture of the raised eyebrows, a jaw-drop, or a ‘trying really hard not to show any expression’ look.

I encourage counseling. Do not let anyone discourage you from it.

Overall, my hope is found in Jesus. Jesus is my anchor. Only truth and stability that I have experienced.

When the motions of life, and- mental health come crashing in, seek truth.

With love,

Angebel

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Roots of Recharging

As for today, today is recharge. This week, we are honoring Mental Health Awareness Month as it is last full week of May. Yet overall, we try to incorporate a lot of mental health into each week’s themes.

My wife and I both have our coping skills. We both have our things that we resort to when our mental health weighs heavy.

My wife said I could put this in here- although I won’t go much into detail. My wife is so much more open with things than myself. I am extremely vague, perhaps a little over the top, but I don’t want her business out there. My wife struggles with anxiety and depression. When her depression gets heavy, she resorts to music and writing. Music has a way of her relating to the lyrics and drowning out the heaviness of the depression. The melody is soothing. When her anxiety takes over her mind, she resorts to working out, cleaning, and writing. My wife has mentioned how much she has utilized working out to control her anxiety. Many don’t realize that exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant. Working out releases good hormones in your body and makes your brain feel good. It relaxes her. While she also has weight loss goals, mentally for her, health & fitness promotes growth and hope. It gives her something to look forward to. She is a writer as well- and when her mental health weighs heavy, she takes out a notebook and begins to write. There is never a pen or paperout of sight at our place. Writing is definitely therapeutic and very helpful to let things out. Above all else though- my wife prays. And that is the most utilized form of coping that I have observed her do. She prays in the good and she’s on her knees fighting in the spirit in the bad. Praying, reading the bible, and listening to worship music gives her the ultimate most accountability and strength. It gives her perspective, rejuvenation, and she is reminded that she is not alone. It gives her peace and reminds her who she is through His eyes. She is a woman filled with joy, so much so that I cannot even comprehend it. She never remains low for long. I truly believe it is solely because of her relationship with Jesus and the security she has in the word of God that gets her by. Everything else is just an add-on. She always likes to be happy and joyful. That is just her nature. But when the heaviness comes, when bitterness strikes, when hard times hit, my wife remains solid, a rock, and pushes through things with such courage and such humility. I admire her most of all.

 

As for myself, I am very internal when it comes to dealing with things. I always have been for all of my life. If something can’t be solved through logics, I am rather clueless. Handling with emotions is something that is a barrier. My passion for health and fitness began some years ago. And ever since then I have channeled my heaviness of my mental health into that. It has become one of my greatest passions of all. Working out puts me in such a different place mentally and emotionally. My mind feels amazing when working out and even long after. I just feel great. Everything kind of disappears in the gym and all is calm in my mind. The gym is definitely my happy place. Writing has been my first source of coping since I am a teenager. Due to not being verbal or being vulnerable, I used writing as my outlet. It was just me and the pages with no one else to see or judge. Writing was one of my first passions, and it remains one of the best methods of letting thoughts out. I spill things through ink that no one else has or ever will see. It is one of my greatest releases. I actually have been called a neat freak and OCD a lot. I cannot tolerate filth. With that, I am always cleaning. It really does help me. I resort a lot to cleaning when things feel out of control. I also enjoy cooking. It feels as if I am always in the kitchen meal prepping or cooking something. Food is the way to a man’s heart. I like having something to do, and with cooking, your mind is distracted prepping food. Music is many peoples coping skill. Music has a way of drowning out the chaos. Listening to good lyrics brings comfort. It’s always something to go back to, melody and words. When hard times hit, I try to resort to praying like my wife does. Although I am not spiritually on the same level, I am not where I once was. Growing up, God was used as a weapon and I wasn’t taught that He is loving. Being with my wife, I’ve learned the absolute opposite of that. There are times all I resort to is worship music; even in the gym. It brings me a lot of peace.

What is your healthy coping method?

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Foundation.

Sorry it’s been so long. We had a lot of personal things on our plate, and life got hectic. We are so happy to be back.

Have you ever listened to the song by The Pretenders “I’ll stand by you”? I gave this song to my wife a while back. I actually gave it to her before we were even married. My wife and I have been married for 5 months now. We have been friends for almost two and a half years. We actually knew each other in 2015, but we didn’t officially become friends till the following year. Throughout the two and a half years, I must say that my wife and I have been through so much stuff. Not taking away or minimizing what other people go through; but so many people say that statement whilst taking away its actual value of the statement in itself. My wife and I have went through things that many couples never even go through their entire married life. We went through things before we were married. Our problems were so grate, our love is so much greater. I would say overall of the song is exactly the name of it – I will stand by you no matter what. That means that whatever your partner is going through, you will stand by them. I have become fascinated with personality types. In the recent discovery of which one I am, I have discovered so much about myself. I seriously felt like I was reading a book of someone who was inside my head. With that being said, my personality type is INTJ, and if you have never looked it up, INTJ’s are known to be one of the most loyal there is. Due to us being very reserved by nature, we don’t let people in, our circles are very small in quantity but very great in quality. We do not seek out social interaction for the sake of just interaction. We enjoy the company of those who challenge us and allow our minds to think. Once you have our loyalty, it is loyalty that is hard to come across and really hard to break.  When I dedicated this song to my wife, even though we weren’t married yet, she had that deep loyalty that I have rarely given to anyone in my life. I gave her the song because of everything she had went through in her life. I wanted to protect her. Whoever hurt her, hurt me. In my darkest hour she came first. That should remain in a marriage: protection of each other’s hearts. I don’t freely let people in. I am an all or nothing type of man. I am either going to be loyal to the end of life, or I am not there at all. With me, there is no in between. My loyalty with my wife was there before we were even in a relationship. I loved her so intensely it is hard to put into words.  When I love, I love very deep and very intense. My loyalty to individuals is rare, but once it is there, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I could name a handful of people who I have ever given my loyalty like that to in my life. Once my loyalty is that deep, it is very difficult to break.

Within marriage, and even a relationship, we should stand by our partner with loyalty. In order to get to marriage we must show that type of loyalty. If your partner is not for you on this earth, why would you want them by your side? In actuality, they are not on your actual side.  Ultimately, this will create turmoil in the end; perhaps not long after. You should be able to have security with your partner. My loyalty to my wife is so deep and so intense, it is hard to even be able to put it into words. It is deeper than I have it for towards any person on this earth.

When troubles come your way, do you hold onto your partner or do you drift away? I will be the first one to admit that I find it difficult to put emotions into things. When something is emotional I do not like to have people close to me. I have always been isolated. This can wreak havoc in your relationship/marriage. Instead of broadcasting your problems on social media, talking to friends, family,  or other people, you should be clinging onto your partner. You should be communicating with them and keeping your personal business within just the two of you. It shouldn’t be anyone else’s business to put their opinion into your relationship. In clinging onto anyone else for support in any way at all, your partner will most likely lose trust for you. Your partner- specifically your spouse, they are for life. Well, not in many cases in this society. But, when we make that commitment, we are saying not just “I do” until whatever happens, we are saying “I do” forever, through better or for worse, in sickness and in health. People do not understand the value of this covenant. Until they do, people will treat marriage like it is of little to no importance. You make no covenant with anyone else besides your spouse. It is so sacred that you actually become one with someone else. When hard times hit, remember that. Remember that you are not one with anyone else on this planet. You should make it your job to continuously pursue to work through things with your partner and keep your business within yourselves.

How do you view your spouse in trying times?

If we valued our spouse the way that we value other things, how much more successful do you think marriages would be? Instead of valuing money, materialistic things, etc, how about valuing your spouse? Let me be completely frank with you- your spouse should be your treasure. Do you understand that? They should be the most treasurable thing on this earth. There are things that circle that state that it is ridiculous to say that there is someone out there “meant for us”. Allow me to put my insight in on this. Many times, before we are married we were in a relationship or even a handful prior to marriage.  People believe that all a relationship takes is communication, trust, and loyalty. That is so completely foolish. If so, tell me why people have feelings for their ex’s while being with someone else, even long after they broke up? It is because not everyone is compatible. Imagine this- God made you and He made your spouse. He designed someone specifically for you and you alone. He literally handpicked out someone just for you. All this garbage saying that you can make it work with anyone sounds completely foolish. You cannot make it work with everyone. There is a reason why you make it to marriage with only one person. There is a reason why it didn’t work out with anyone else. Why? It was not supposed to work out. That’s why. Imagine you are a pirate on a ship searching for treasure. Ultimately, the treasure is what every pirate wants. You see, we were given the greatest treasure of all when Jesus gave us His treasure of our spouse that he designed for us. Whats inside your treasure chest? Is it filled with greed, selfishness, materialistic things, other things that take up your time and effort? We can have all the money in the world, and still be poor. Money doesn’t make you rich in the things that matter. That could explain why a significant amount of the financially wealthy are miserable. You see, Jesus views marriage as a covenant, sacred, a union that He does not want to ever break. When trying times hit, do you isolate from your spouse? Become cold and distant? Not speak to them? Sleep in separate rooms? Or do you hold them close and encourage them and tell them you will get through it, together. If we understood marriage the way it was ultimately designed, we would pursue marriage the way He sees it. You see, marriage is your treasure. Your spouse, through better OR for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. Do you understand those vows? Even if you don’t have a Christ-centered background, those vows are the ones used when you get married. Not until death shall you be separated from your spouse. That is the way it is intended to be. You are not one flesh only if something goes right, only if you see eye to eye, only if they agree with your opinion, only if they don’t annoy you, only if you like them on that day. You become one flesh and you remain one flesh through it all. If we understood the  depth of what marriage really is, we would place so much value into it and our spouses overall. God first, your marriage second. That is literally how it goes. Nothing and no one should come between  that. When trying times hit, and believe me they will, hold onto the idea of the analogy of a pirate looking for treasure. You will not find real treasure with materialistic things, money, etc. Hold onto the idea that we are all pirates on a ship unknowingly searching for treasure. And once we find the x marks the spot, we have completed the journey. Once we found our spouse, our life partner, the person we will be with till death do we part, we have completed our journey. We have found our most valuable and prized treasure. When hard times hit, try and remember that God designed this person for you. And even in trying times, that should still stand. This person should  be your treasure. Your marriage should be your greatest treasure in this life. Many times we fail to realize that through storms also comes a beautiful rainbow. If you honor your spouse through trying times and remain by their side, that storm can actually bring you closer together. It is all matter of choice. Choose to honor them through the good and the bad. You will fall in love with them all over again. Believe me, there is truth to this.

Vows are a foundation. When we say for better or worse – that means, when the better comes, I’m standing with you. When the worst comes, I’m standing for you. When you are healthy, I’m standing, When sick, I’m standing. Marriage is death until we part, not until we are tired of trying. Marriage is the most sacred. It calls for the most ultimate loyalty, dedication, protection. We must give all that we have. And not hold onto anything that isn’t healthy to our marriage, out of God’s will, and that’ll count as lost . We must never have the mentality “just because I’m married doesn’t mean that I’m going to give [something] up” Marriage needs a foundation, and that is God. In order to love our spouse better, we must continuously feed ourselves with God’s word/love. When we constantly remind ourselves of what Christ did for us, as individuals, yep us sinners, we are able to love so freely and unconditionally; that’s how we keep christ in the center. Our foundation. When we lean on our own understanding, our thoughts, our feelings,  (which changes everyday), we flake and crumble, and it could lead to sin. A foundation has to be irresistibly solid. We must not lean on ourselves. The Bible says that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) Meaning no revising. He says it, it’s done. So who would we lean on? Solidarity or ourselves- the flakes? We must understand that our thoughts can sometimes lead us off track. We must hold on to the word that is true and never changing.

When it comes to your marriage or relationship, if that foundation shakes, what happens?

Things crumble. If the base is not established – nothing will grow. No progress. Nothing will stack up/amount up. We should be glued to our spouse. Due to the sacredness of it through God’s eyes, we are glued. He views family as important, love, helping, being kind, etc. But above all else, His word says that we become one flesh with our spouse. To Him, on this earth, nothing should come before Him and then a marriage. With that being said, becoming one flesh is like being glued to each other. If one falls, the other does. Or, at least they should. No where in the Bible does it say anything being a covenant or sacred the way it talks about marriage. In His eyes, it is so incredibly sacred that He hates divorce. We are truly one with someone else once we become married. And I think many do not or cannot comprehend the capacity of the depth of that. On this earth, it is Him and then a marriage if that happens.

I, many times, forget the depth of it. The way that He views marriage is so deep that people cannot even comprehend it. It is a union, a covenant, something so sacred to Him. It breaks His heart to see it crumble. I have an extremely difficult time with intimacy. I don’t always know how to see marriage the way He sees it. The Bible is so clear on what it says marriage is. Often times, people don’t treat marriage as a valuable treasure if you will. And to God, that’s exactly what it is. He designed someone for you and he is giving you a gift. To Him- it’s the most valuable gift earthly wise that can be given. That’s why it is so important that it not be broken. Think about this. God made us all. And He said this is the person I designed for this person. They will have a union and it shall not be broken. They are designed for each other for life. He handpicks our spouse and says that. Like take here, this is a gift from me to you. Learn, grow, love, experience intimacy, and value this marriage and this person. A marriage should be our greatest treasures on this earth. Often times, it is not. And that isn’t God’s heart. The song by the pretenders “I’ll Stand By You” May not be a Christian song. But it actually is exactly what we should be doing in marriages. Through better or for worse in sickness and in health, till death do we part. Look at those vows. Til death do we part. How powerful. Not only in good, not if we like the person, not if they are being nice, etc. But you stand by them through everything because it’s what He wants.

Find Your Courage

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” – Tori Ames

Today is recharge day. This week’s topic is healing, so I want to just take a moment to say that recharging is healing. It doesn’t matter how much you like or dislike social interaction, it doesn’t matter what you do, or what your life is like, we all need to recharge. We all need to take time for ourselves to be alone. Being in my solitude I come up with the most solutions. My brain never sleeps. I am trying to come up with new ideas, resolutions, something new to learn. My brain is wired that way. In my time alone and solitude, I do find healing.

Let me say this to you: Healing does take courage. So after the other post that mentioned the analogy of us starting out as plants, let me remind you that we do need to dig deep down to find it. Sometimes recharging puts things into perspective. And most certainly do we have to do the hard work and dig; sometimes a lot deeper than other times, in or where the healing needs to take place. I would like to remind you that it is okay to water your own plant and it is okay to nourish your plant. Not only is it okay, but it is completely necessary. Do not be so wrapped up with things, people, etc, that you neglect your entire being altogether. There is a line between selfishness and neglect. Do not forget to take care of your well-being. Healing takes place where courage leads the way. Have the courage to do so and start by taking care of yourself.

 

 

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Unity & the damage of expectations

Love As It Has Been Experienced

I can say a lot of people enter relationships and more so marriages without the knowledge of what unity really is.  Many people enter marriages even with a distorted view on what a union really is. At one point or another, we have all faced disappointments in life. It isn’t only when we are children. We don’t ever really outgrow having expectations of others. Above all else, unfortunately our partners will most likely experience the most with that. Our partners, specifically our husbands or wives are for life. When we have expectations, we expect our partners to fulfill them. When they fail to meet our expectations, we become disappointed and bitter, and ultimately it leaks out havoc into our union.

Say you interpreted love in a healthy way. Your parents loved you, they prioritized their union, you witnessed honor, respect, value, sacrifice, and unconditional love. Your mind will likely process that and have expectations like you experienced. What happens with that is that we expect things to happen so quickly when in reality, marriages are all based on time, experience, and true growth. If you perhaps grew up in a single parent home where you had nothing to refer back to. Your perception of what marriage should be is more so an idea rather than anything you encountered. And a truly difficult way to have an idea on union is when were abandoned, neglected, abused, or grew up in the system. With that type of life, you grew up with no protection, no stability, no security, no common ground, no one who had your back. You were too busy trying to make it to understand what exactly a healthy union is supposed to look like. You enter a union with no example of what love actually is.

How Do You Unite?

I would like to point out that we interpret love the way we experienced it. Whenever you felt loved, that is going to in turn respond to how you turn it into every relationship thereafter. If you grew up in a household with both parents, they loved each other unconditionally, they valued, honored, respected, trusted, and truly had each others backs, you had an idea of what a union should look like in a healthy way. All couples go through storms. There is no couple that is somehow untouched. However, the couples that remain side by side, hand in hand, walking with each other, guiding each other, and carrying each other, those are those ones where hard times happen, but they go through the storm together. 

 

Together.

Wanna hear a truth? YOUR expectations can damage your marriage.

Unity is understanding that it’s only the two of you. You become one flesh with your husband or your wife. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your children. Not anyone else, despite what they’ve done for you. The purpose of marriage is two coming together, in a sacred covenant. No where does it say we become one flesh with anyone else but our husbands and wives.

As husband and wife, we made the vow to walk through the journey of life with this person for the rest of our lives. When a storm hits, comes a fork. There’s a huge crack in the road that creates a fork. The fork in the road is either: go separate ways OR create a new road together. Sometimes we need to go against the hardships and instead of turning away, let the hardships bring you closer. This is the journey of you and your partner for life. It is truly mind blowing to realize that once we say “I do”, it should be a priority to keep that foundation of the union together. No where does it say that you become one only when things are good, when you’re seeing eye to eye. The point of becoming one flesh means that person and you are supposed to be for life. Unfortunately, this society will up and leave for the smallest things. When hardships come throughout your journey, couples many times do separate and become distant till it hits the final blow. By no means does this mean that you have to stay and endure abuse. If your spouse is unwilling to change, that does not mean that you should continue enduring it. That is extremely unhealthy for your own well-being.  By coming together, I mean that you should be fighting the hardships together as a team. You should know that no matter what, your partner is your teammate for life. They have your back no matter what. Far too many times, struggles make couples go their separate ways instead of joining together and clinging onto each other.

Unity takes effort. It takes two. We must build together a union. Your unity is something that you absolutely have to take care of and guard. You have to be on full alert, making sure it’s being fed health. In order for there to be growth in anything in life, we must nurture it, water it, and feed it to grow. It is as if you have a plant and expect that not giving it the proper care will make it grow. Without nourishment, nothing will ever grow.

Unity is the evident intention of marriage. Disunity is a rebellious act.  Choosing to not unite with your partner, is only fooling you. You’re one flesh, remember?

“Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste…” – Matthew 12:25 Hence the different types of personalities, not everything about you and your spouse will be the same. But, one thing SHOULD be the same: the goal and the mission. Put together the things in common and the differences too.

Choose unity.

 

-Jason & Angebel Castellani union-of-hearts-not-hands-does-a-marriage-make-and-sympathy-of-mind-keeps-love-awake-quote-1d24db7532c437a7eb1fef61f7a88713923cf543cc0153e5991b5c76a885118b6--quotes-marriage-marriage-lifeunnamed-3

 

 

 

Recharge, takes a turn.

Angebel here-

On Tuesdays, we talk about recharge. With our series from last week, it was discovered that Jason is an INTJ and that I am an ENFP. Compatible according to psychologists, but ultimately- opposites.

Today I started a new job, at an endocrinologist office. With other personal things on my mind, the day was twisting and turning. Since moving up to New York, I have spent every waking moment with my husband. We worked from home, and it was us all day every day.

Being an extrovert, I did (do) need social interaction. Now, I don’t know if all ENFPs are the same- but there are times that I just need a quick boost and then I’m done. I have to go. I can’t be around too many people for too long.

This job is temporary.  My husband didn’t want me to work (outside of home).  The energy at my new job is chilled, but I missed my husband so much. I remember at my old job I enjoyed the conversations with my patients. I went home and enjoyed my time with my husband.

At this point, getting back out to the [outside] work field, I just looked around and kept to myself. I kept telling myself, “this is a new beginning.” In a recent post, I talked about our friends, Mary and Josh. Josh who is an introvert said that meeting someone is kinda like “having to assemble something all over again.”

It totally makes sense now. I asked questions, because for the first time, people felt like strangers.

 

 

When the ENFP & INTJ come together

ENFP Angebel here-

Now get to the point. No, really, please get to the point. That’s my mentality, frankly, my personality. I don’t like conflict, but I’ll deal with it to get back to the, good vibes only please.

On Tuesday, Saucey (you’re not allowed to call him that, only me) talked about recharging.

What’s my ideal recharge? Not only is it social interaction, but I just realized like five minutes ago it’s more so an interaction that meets at a certain time. For example, I love St. Patrick’s Day. I dragged cute INTJ to an Irish Pub because, you know, vibes. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, it’s only once a year, we have to do it.

I go to community group or ‘cell group’ on Tuesdays, with a group of young women. It’s only on Tuesdays, so it gives me something to look forward to. I thrive on moving forward ➡️looking forward to things.

I am an ENFP. Easily, I can get bored and drained. Serious, long conversations drain me. Let’s get to the bottom of it, like now, and let’s keep going.

I love spending time with people. I love social gatherings. If it’s a party, I’d like someone there with me. I could go out to eat by myself and treat myself to a movie. I like going to the store alone. I read that extroverts tend to have a larger circle, with less time given. I could relate. I have a decent size circle of friends, and I take them in bits at a time.

When you see a person what do you do?

This past Thanksgiving we spent it with our friends, Mary and Josh’s. Josh is an introvert and Mary is an extrovert. We were intrigued to know how they have made it work and how their daily lives go about. We asked them, “when you see a person what do you do?” Josh’s response was something along the lines of: “It’s like having to assemble something all over again.” Jason agreed. Mary and I stood in common grounds that when we see someone, we just want to get to know them. It’s a new opportunity to learn some thing.

Figured I’d add this side story in (lol): Someone recently introduced themselves to INTJ. They said “Hello, my name is… It’s so nice to meet you” INTJ’s response is “Hi.”

How Does It All Come Together?

It… just does and it doesn’t. While ENFPs and INTJs are compatible, it doesn’t change the fact that one is an extrovert and the other is an introvert. With marriage comes compromise. I’ve even said that being married creates a filter. You may not want to go somewhere and the other one does, you may want to go somewhere and the other one does not. I do believe in sacrifices, and I also believe in balance.

Ultimately, your spouse does come first. Your plans revolve around your spouse. It’s almost like taking care of a baby- or a couple of them. You can’t just get up and go anymore. It takes planning. For two people that never answered to anyone, coming together was an assignment. To be honest, it’s not a walk in the park. We were reminded how much we didn’t have to deal with this prior to being married. However, that is only a scheme of the enemy for us to be bitter and not grow together.

Love languages do a play a part, I’d say. One of this INTJs love language is words of affirmation. So when Miss ENFP, who rarely needs time alone, says she needs her time, words of affirmation are useful. INTJason is the most introverted of the introverts (99% to be exact). As a unit, we do everything together. We miss each other when we’re apart. But everyone needs time alone, at some point.

Mornings are ENFP’s favorite part of the day. Loud, fun, the opportunities are endless. ENFP does not drink nor need any caffeine to get her going. INTJ needs his coffee. ENFP walks in after a long day, opens the cabinets, makes ruckus noise, talks, laughs at her own jokes- INTJ sits wide eyed, wondering what just happened. INTJ is soft-spoken, quiet, and reserved. When he comes in, he sometimes even forgets to say hello. It took a long time to understand that. I always thought it was disrespectful and rude. But I realized that he is that much inside of his own head. He even thinks he said it aloud.

It all comes together with knowing this: This ENFP’s sensitivity to dopamine is extremely low. For INTJ it’s extremely high. Cute INTJ hates small talk. Don’t do it. Abort mission. After four months of marriage, I can STILL count on my hands and toes how many times I’ve seen my husband interact with people, let alone small talk. It’s always surprising to me.

It’s just who we are, how we are, and if we plan on making this work then we need to just know these things. Do not try to change each other. Highlight the good. Be thankful for the balance. Be thankful always.