Angebel’s corner.

Thanks to Jason, I was introduced to Charles Bukowski. I have fallen in love with the way his work has awaken my writing senses. He’s a mad man. I want to be a mad woman. I never want to hold back ever again when I write.

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead”

On Tuesday my husband talked about the things we do to recharge. He also tapped into some of the things I deal with mentally (anxiety and depression). I also deal with PTSD.

Mental health was a taboo topic growing up. It was forbidden to talk about depression because it led to be being accused that you weren’t a believer. As I got older and told people about some of things that happened to me, they always asked if I went to counseling. “No” was always my response. I’ve seen a mixture of the raised eyebrows, a jaw-drop, or a ‘trying really hard not to show any expression’ look.

I encourage counseling. Do not let anyone discourage you from it.

Overall, my hope is found in Jesus. Jesus is my anchor. Only truth and stability that I have experienced.

When the motions of life, and- mental health come crashing in, seek truth.

With love,

Angebel

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Find Your Courage

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” – Tori Ames

Today is recharge day. This week’s topic is healing, so I want to just take a moment to say that recharging is healing. It doesn’t matter how much you like or dislike social interaction, it doesn’t matter what you do, or what your life is like, we all need to recharge. We all need to take time for ourselves to be alone. Being in my solitude I come up with the most solutions. My brain never sleeps. I am trying to come up with new ideas, resolutions, something new to learn. My brain is wired that way. In my time alone and solitude, I do find healing.

Let me say this to you: Healing does take courage. So after the other post that mentioned the analogy of us starting out as plants, let me remind you that we do need to dig deep down to find it. Sometimes recharging puts things into perspective. And most certainly do we have to do the hard work and dig; sometimes a lot deeper than other times, in or where the healing needs to take place. I would like to remind you that it is okay to water your own plant and it is okay to nourish your plant. Not only is it okay, but it is completely necessary. Do not be so wrapped up with things, people, etc, that you neglect your entire being altogether. There is a line between selfishness and neglect. Do not forget to take care of your well-being. Healing takes place where courage leads the way. Have the courage to do so and start by taking care of yourself.

 

 

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Where Healing Begins

I will be discussing this week on healing. I would like to point out that I have mentioned I am pursing to be a neuropsychologist. It seems like such a big word. Ive actually been told so recently how much hard work involves with this career choice. As for me, the brain and its functions are something I am so extremely passionate about. Recently, there was a week about personality types. I am most definitely sure that a majority of my career choice is due to my personality type. As an INTJ, I do excessive amounts of research. I am all about logistics and solving things. A neuropsychologist is all about finding solutions. My passion derives right there at the roots. I will be doing something I am passionate about. It is a job where you never stop learning. I cant think of a job that I would be more passionate about and learn so many things on a daily basis. As an INTJ, a career field in which you constantly are learning new things is such a refreshing thing. What some neuropsychologists don’t do is focus on the parts of the brain to see the actual roots. Many scientists, rather more than a majority of science believes that you cannot ever truly heal from a mental illness. I don’t think I can change the entire world. Maybe, perhaps, I can change just a little. I am not a follower, I have been a leader. And I hope to change this system into believing that there is true healing in mental illness recovery. I chose this career because I want to be different. It seems like that is the root of my life-different.

“Sometimes you don’t realize the weight of something you’ve been carrying until you feel the weight of its release”

Is healing possible?

First, let me tell you that the answer is yes. Imagine us all starting out as plants that we need to be planted in an environment where we thrive. But imagine being planted in an environment where we were not given the proper nourishment. If we are around toxic things, we start to grow roots that are unhealthy. We start to wither away and wilt. In return, the plant does its best to stay alive. However, maybe it turns to unhealthy nourishment in order to survive. Not getting its proper nourishment, but still getting by, it continues to survive, but not truly live. When we face issues that we do not know how to deal with, a mental disorder can occur. But, lets look at the word disorder. When something is disordered, we fix it. Your mind is a puzzle. Your pieces were shaken, they were scattered, but they were not lost.

I believe in two kinds of mental disorder occurrences. Some mental disorders are a resort of trauma, dysfunction, and abuse. Some mental disorders are a chemical imbalance. Some of us didn’t experience any kind of abuse, neglect, or traumatic event(s) in our lives, yet we still face the hardships of mental disorders because of the chemical imbalance in our brains. For those of us who have experienced the spiraling effects of an illness due to trauma, something has been disordered in your brain. You were planted in an unhealthy environment. You were not given proper nourishment or care. You grew with roots attached to you that have only added on more roots. And now that you are an adult you don’t know how or even where to cut the roots. Where did it start? And it may require a lot of digging, but once you find the root, thats also connected to many other roots, that most certainly is when healing takes place. I believe so. In order to get to the root of the problem, it takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength to endure the damage that has taken place.

As for the other part, I believe unlike majority of people that even those with a chemical imbalance can overcome their mental illness as well. If you’ve ever been to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or even many therapists, they will tell you that you cannot ever get better. Really, they say the only end result for mental health disorders is simply: management. A psychiatrists job is where it is their duty to prescribe medication. They believe that is the only way for you to manage your mental health. To the science aspect, once shifted has been shifted, there is no room for growth. I am not entirely sure how the roots would be solved for healing to take place in a chemical imbalance. Yet, still, I believe there is a resolution to this unfixed problem.

Where do you start?

This has got to be one of the most difficult things that you will solve in your life. It requires a lot of digging, a lot of old wounds, maybe even experiencing things all over again, remembering traumatic things, etc. But, the only way out is through. There is no such thing as healing being easy. But in the end, it will be worth it. To dig from the ground up, it requires you to do things you have never done. Let me go back to us starting off as plants. Maybe this is where you will start- going back to where your roots are, and reflecting where they still are right now. Are you in an environment that you currently thrive in? Are you flourishing? Are you growing? Are you repairing? When we experience things that create toxic roots, we must cut the roots. In order to live and not just survive, we need to get out of the environment in which we are not able to grow. Nutrients are vital in order for us to not only survive, but to live. But we don’t just want any kind of nutrients, we should want the right kind. Be a gardener and weed out all of the toxic roots.

Be a gardener and weed out all of the toxic roots of the garden that no one else tended to nourish.

Let me go back to stating how our minds are puzzles. When you have a puzzle in front of you, you try to piece together the pieces that fit right. Like mentioned above, your puzzle was shaken. That puzzle of your mind was shaken. But the good news is; it can be put back together. There are psychiatrists who will tell their patient that no matter what they do, no matter what goals they have, etc, that in the end without medication, they are basically nothing. Imagine hearing that. Just envision that for a moment. Imagine having hope for goals, being something, being someone, imagine trying to rise above what you know and strive to become better. After all, shouldn’t we all be striving to be better? That should be the goal in life. You should never stop growing, learning, and wanting better. You should never settle. But the system will tell you that without their bandage that you will continuously relapse. That you will ever only manage your symptoms but as far as healing, it just is not in the cards for you. With medication, you can live a normal life with symptoms still coming out, but you will never truly be able to overcome it. When you place a bandage on something, does that bandage heal the wound? No, it simply just covers it. While medication can be extremely beneficial to some, telling someone that in order for them to function properly in society, they need medication to succeed in life. Imagine how detrimental that is to someone who is trying to piece back together their life and has hope.

How important is support when trying to recover?

First and foremost, we all need support no matter who we are or where we come from. I do not want to sound redundant as in repeating the same things over and over again. But the plant analogy really makes a lot of sense. If you are in toxic soil, please, do yourself a favor and uproot yourself from that environment. Easy? Many times, no. Worth it? Absolutely. In order to grow, we need nutrients to do so. Many people wonder why it feels as if there is a weight on their shoulders; just like the quote above. And many reasons can stem from the environment you are currently in. Find someone who plants seeds of life. Someone who wants to see you flourish, grow, and stand tall. When you realize the outcome of getting out bad soil and replacing it with good, finding people to lift you up, you wont ever settle. You never should. Support is extremely vital for everyone in this life. Overcoming a mental health disorder through the agonizing weight of that, support most certainly is needed. And sometimes we may fail to realize that no support is better than toxic support. Many people in this life fear being alone. But whats worse is being around people who feed you things to make you wilt. And surely, there is no healing with someone constantly tearing you down. A mental health disorder is already a battle of your mind. So don’t you understand that someone tearing down your mind even more than the battle you face within you every single day is most certainly worse? The good news is- you wont always be alone. Find a network of support or at least one person who you can trust. Focus on your healing. Expecting a plant to grow in toxic soil is no more ridiculous sounding then to expect anything to blossom without proper care. We all need support, yes. But don’t be sucked into thinking that you would rather have toxic support then to have no one. Remember- start at your roots. Cutting off roots of toxicity is where it begins. This is the root of digging down to weed out everything. If you perhaps to have a network of support or a significant other whom you trust, lean on them in hard times. After all, believe me when I say, two is better than one.

 

How Do These Come Together

How do these two come together
the man of few words
and few interactions.
how do these two come together
the woman that wants to talk
and get to know
maybe these two meet in the afternoon
before the night sets in
right after the morning crash
point of reference
reference line
the meeting point
where the introvert
is adopted by the extrovert
to live a life of balance
where the levels
aren’t immediately stable
there’s a long road ahead for these two
good thing they like to travel
good thing they are wanderers
and don’t settle for long
how these two come together
is a mystery that belongs.

-a.g.c

Why is marriage… hard?

Why exactly is marriage hard? I am no professional, but I do have some experience of my own. Prior to getting married, commitment overall has always been a struggle for me. Due to my extremely private and reserved nature, I won’t really go into the details as to why. It is rather irrelevant. But I can just say that being in relationships and commitment was always something that didn’t come natural to me. I didn’t think settling down was ever going to be in the cards for me. I adapted my life, my routine, my overall future circled around being alone. I have been alone for all of time. It is a struggle of mine because I am not sure how to go from being so completely alone to now having a wife. Not only is a marriage your accountability, but your partner and you become one. That to me seemed so completely far-fetched. I have often times been referred to the fictional character “Don Juan”(I know, hard to believe); who is a womanizer. People always tend to portray me the wrong way and make assumptions. However, marriage has taught me the authenticity of being grounded with one woman. It has taught me that coming home to one woman beats the endless other women. When you truly find your partner, I must tell you this- being with them every single day feels like coming home. And my wife is home. I have often times been judged due to my mysterious nature. But when people referred to me as “Don Juan”, let me be transparent with leaving my own personal information out, they were not completely off base. My mysterious, reserved, and private nature, mixed along with the intellectual nature I have is far different than many people out there. To say the least, getting women was always easy for me. Getting a woman who peaked my interest, sparked my soul, and intrigued my mind, that is far different. It is new. I tend to get very easily bored with people. Majority of the time my interest is never really there to begin with.  My wife was able to capture me in ways that I cannot even express through words. She was the one who had me intrigued and fascinated with her mind, her heart, and her soul. She is a smart woman with a passionate soul. She captured me, truly. Marriage is hard work. It is effort. It is working through things every single day. Marriage is a job in itself. If they are important, your effort will show. It is looking at your partner through the heaviest of times and knowing that you still love them. My wife beats all the endless women that I have encountered in my day. Every. Single. One. At least I would say, since I asked her hand in marriage. She is a keeper most definitely. My wife transforms my mind and allows me to see a different light. I truly cherish anyone who challenges my mind. I thank my wife for being my accountability and for her perseverance through her understanding of me. I thank her for truly taking a man with commitment issues such as myself and changing my whole view on love and on marriage. She changed it all.  Due to me being so alone, never answering to anyone, and watching out for myself, it has been a huge and really drastic change. It really has been. I like my alone time far more than your “average” person. It is one of the things I am trying to overcome and really striving to get new perspective on every single day. Let me also add in that I don’t mean spending time with her. Actually, due to how alone I had always been, my wife changed that too. When we were friends we would be FaceTiming every single day for 12 hours at some point. That still blows my mind. But not really. My wife literally captured my mind that much. I do not invest my time into people I see no potential in. That is just me. I always saw something in her. My “alone time” and my solitude consisted of my wife for a long time. She became apart of it. She was and still is my peace of mind. She is worth every second. I get drained very easily by people. I never got drained of my wife. However, the change I am speaking of is more so about it being officially forever. That someone is with you forever. You share a room, a bathroom, a kitchen, pretty much everything. It is still a change. But my time was always invested in her because she always peaked my interest. I always enjoyed her company, her personality, her cheerful nature, her joy, her humor, her capacity to hold onto the most intellectual conversations that stimulated my mind; which is so rare for anyone to do. Giving her time was never a burden and it surely isn’t now. It’s just different is all. Now, I am accountable for another person. My wife cares where I am, what I do, who I talk to, etc. It is different. And sometimes, different is good. It takes a lot to switch your focus and your mentality with something that is so engrained in your overall thinking. But change and growth are what makes us better people. Marriage is all about sacrifice. I have learned what it truly means to sacrifice because of my wife. There is nothing in this life I would not do for her. I would do anything to protect her. Sacrificial love is something where you put your relationship first. Is it more important for your pride or ego, or are they more important? You decide, you choose. Despite this being a challenge in our marriage, I know that due to my sacrificial, unconditional and immeasurable love for my wife, I strive to be better and make progress for her. Challenges can be overcome; together. If you are in a relationship, engaged, or even married, I can only say to you that anything worth having takes hard work. Show them how bad you want them by showing consistent effort. There is nothing more assuring than unconditional love. Knowing your partner has your back is truly priceless. It really is. Take time to show them each day how much you want them, love them and truly care about your relationship with them. Ask yourself this: How worth it are they? And if they are, never stop trying to improve yourself for them and for yourself. It will always take two. Remember, it is not you vs. them in battles. It will always be you and them vs the problem. Stand together and you will never burn. You are a team.  I am not an expert by no means, just a piece of advice from a man with some wisdom.

P.S Next week we will be discussing our different personality types. I hope you stay tuned. It will give a lot of insight on this topic as well, plus communication styles, differences between men and women, and the differences between how different personalities can be.

 

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